Your Horse Doesn't Love You. Get Over It!

Your horse doesn’t love you. 

Them’s fightin’ words to some people. Now, I’m not saying that’s you, but since you’re here, let me lay this out for you. There’s a point to this, I promise.

We all know that there are different senses of the word “love” in English. I can say I love ice cream and I love horses and you wouldn’t be confused by either statement. Get out of our shared culture and there is more opportunity for misunderstanding. I would be very careful how I talked about loving all things equine when ordering in certain European restaurants. It only gets worse when we try to translate a nuanced concept to another human language, and it’s a complete disaster in inter-species communication.

The human and the equine are as opposite as can be. Dr. Miller and I coined the terms “ultimate predator” and “ultimate prey animal” back in 2004 to drive this point home. That a relationship of any kind can exist between these two polar opposites in the animal kingdom is amazing on its face. That this relationship can be taken to the highest levels of mutual trust, respect, and communication is … is … well, it’s why I’m writing this and you’re reading it.

Why can’t we use “love” to describe how a horse feels about his human partner? Two words: It’s dangerous. It’s dangerous because it feeds the notion that the same thought processes and mental structures are in a horse’s noggin as in yours. Your horse has a more primitive brain than you. He lives in the moment. He has no principles or values. His perceptions of the world around him are those of a highly successful prey animal. His first instinct when there is any question about his safety is to move his feet. Yes, you can train him to look to you for leadership when he’s worried, but the instinct to survive at all costs remains. Every horse is capable of spooking and running right over anything in its path, including you. Your belief that he loves you won’t stop that.

Now think for a moment about your essential nature. Humans are tool users. Our hands, not our feet, are our first lines of defense. We can imagine things we haven’t seen, we think about the future, we have the capacity to read and write, we have empathy, and we can reason. And since I brought it up, is it reasonable to think that this already-complicated concept of love that occupies our thoughts can also exist in the horse’s very different mind? Hmmm?

So, if it’s not love, what exactly does your horse feel when he’s around you? When he bats those big brown eyes, when he nuzzles you, when he nickers at the sound of your footsteps approaching? He feels safe. That’s it. He may like what happens when you’re around. He gets fed or brushed or ridden. But none of that would matter a whit if he didn’t feel safe. Pat Parelli used to say that a horse’s priorities are safety, comfort, and play (food has since been added to the list). Safety is first for a reason. It’s more important than you.

This truth may stick in the craw. You may fear it will ruin what you love about horses. Take a deep breath. Accepting this essential truth about horses is a rite of passage on the horseman’s journey, and you know what? It won’t change a thing for you. Horses will still be wonderful and they’ll still be the most perfect vehicle for human fulfillment and self-actualization that has ever existed on God’s green earth.

You love your horse? I’m happy for you. Really! Just don’t tell me your horse loves you back. Because he doesn’t.